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A Minnesota farmer was down in Texas visiting a rancher there who was a Texan through and through. While showing off parts of his ranch, the Texan told the Minnesotan:
"I won't show you the whole ranch, but let me just say this. We could get in this here pickup truck and drive east for 2 hours before we reached the end of the ranch. Then we could drive south for another 2 hours, west for 3 hours, and north for another 4 hours before heading back here, and all without ever leaving the ranch."
To this the Minnesotan replied, "Yeah, I had a pickup truck like that once too."
 
Well...
A cowboy lies with his ear to to the pavement of a dusty road as another approaches the scene. the first man speaks to the second,
"Two men in a heavy-laden wagon, four horses and a donkey!"
The second cowboy responds, "That's amazing. You can tell all that by listening to the ground?"
"No," says the first. "They ran over me five minutes ago!"
 
The old coot sitting outside the saloon watches a cowboy gallop in, hop off, tie his horse to the hitch, raise its tail, and give it a great big kiss under there.

Surprised and disgusted, the old coot asks what in tarnation the cowboy thinks he's doing.

"Well, sir, you see, I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And does that cure it?"
"No, but it sure keeps me from licking 'em!"
 
A guy goes golfing with his father. They get to the 12th hole, a long, sweeping green with a tall tree right in the middle of the fairway. The son pulls out a club and says to himself, "now just a long shot that'll hit on the far side and roll back around that tree".

His father smiles and says, "Ya know, son, when I was your age, I'd just whallop the ball right the hell over the tree."

The son smiles, plants his feet, swings and whacks the ball with all his might. Despite the power shot, the ball smacks the tree about two thirds of the way up and falls to the ground. The son is crestfallen. His father pats him on the back and says, "A' course, when I was YOUR age, that tree was only about five feet tall".
 
A couple of physics jokes for geeks like me:

A Higgs Boson walks into a church and sees a crowd of elementary particles having a church service.
"What's the matter with you", says the Higgs Boson, "don't you know you can't have mass without me?"


A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender serves him and the neutron asks, "how much is the beer"?
The bartender replies, "For you? No charge!"


Okay, go ahead. Groan away. ;)


Joe
 
Two pieces of string walk into a bar.
The bartender yells at them NO STRINGS ALLOWED and kicks them out.
So one string says to the other "I know how to get in!"
He proceeds to roll himself up and rub all over the sidewalk.
His friend the other string thinks he's gone crazy!
After a few minutes of this he announces he's ready.
"I'm ready!" and saunters into the bar again.
The bartender bellows at him GET OUT NO STRINGS!!
The ratty looking string says:
"Sorry, but I'm a frayed knot"

<Duck, Cover, and RUUUUUUUNN!!>
 
A hydrogen atom loses his electron.
He goes to the cop shop to fill out s report.
The copper asks him: are you sure it's lost? Sometimes they just get a bit excited and fly off for a bit. Usually they come home within 24 hours.
The hydrogen atom just looked at him and said:

I'm positive.
 
kudapucat said:
A hydrogen atom loses his electron.
He goes to the cop shop to fill out s report.
The copper asks him: are you sure it's lost? Sometimes they just get a bit excited and fly off for a bit. Usually they come home within 24 hours.
The hydrogen atom just looked at him and said:

I'm positive.
Click to expand...

Pa dum pum.


Sent from my galafreyan transdimensional communicator 100 years from now.
U g
 
So this grizzly bear walks into a bar, sit down, looks at the bartender, says, "I'll have a whiskey......
and coke
Bartender says, "Why the long paws"?

Sorry in advance
 
So a middle aged man has had ED issues & has gone thru all treatments & drugs to no avail. His wife contacts a medicine man on the reservation who has a cure. Sends her husband to see him. Medicine man says yes...yes...& pulls down a bowl full of powder. Powerful medicine he says & scoops a couple tablespoon's into a bag & hands it to him. Now...listen carefully to my instructions. You put 1 teaspoonful into a cup of water-say one, two, three & drink. You will instantly be ready to perform. Great says the man & heads for the door-then stops & turns back & asks the medicine man how do I make it stop? Ahhh yes-good question- say one, two, three, four & you will not be able to use this again until the next full moon. He returns home & invites his wife into the bedroom-mixes the brew-strips-says one, two, three & drinks. Whooo-hooo, his wife says excitedly & begins to strip also. While doing so, she asks him what was the one, two, three, for?

And the moral of the story is: Don't end your questions with a preposition because it will leave a dangling participle..
 
Some old men are drinking their morning coffee in an old time drug store. During the conversation, the subject of sexual performance is mentioned. One old man turns to the pharmacist and says, "Since we're on the subject, does that Viagra really work as well as they say"?
"It sure does", says the pharmacist.
"Well, is it expensive"?
"Yeah, it's expensive but worth it".
Finally the old man asked, "can you get it over the counter"?
The pharmacist replied, "I probably could if I took three or four".
 
A young Hispanic kid comes home excited one day, telling his dad, "Dad dad! I'm so excited I have great news! I met this girl! Her name is Rosa! And we're going to get married and raise a family!" Well his dad couldn't be more happy but he says, "Son I just have one question. This Rosa, is she the one who just lives over a couple of streets there?" The son nods, "yeah dad, why?" "Well, when I was your age son, I did a lot of running around. I'm afraid Rosa is your half sister." So the kid is devastated. But time heals all wounds and soon enough he comes home again. "Dad dad! I'm so excited! I have great news! I met a girl, and her name is Maria! We're going to start a family together!" His father is ecstatic. "Son! That is just outstanding! I'm so happy for you! But this Maria is she the daughter of the lady that runs the corner store over there?" "Yeah dad, why?" "Well like I told you, I did some running around, and I'm afraid Maria is your half sister too."

So the kid is destroyed, and wanders into the kitchen to clean himself up. His mom is there preparing dinner, and asks what's got him so sad. When he explains all that has happened to him, she wraps him up in a warm hug and says "There there. You don't pay no attention to him. He's not your real father."
 
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.



In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called ...his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.* He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'



She responded, Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.* I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.* You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.* Yes, I know you.



The lawyer was stunned.* Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?



She again replied, Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.* He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.* He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.* Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.* One of them was your wife.* Yes, I know him.



The defense attorney nearly died.



The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
 
Mazer828 said:
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.



In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called ...his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.* He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'



She responded, Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.* I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.* You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.* Yes, I know you.



The lawyer was stunned.* Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?



She again replied, Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.* He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.* He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.* Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.* One of them was your wife.* Yes, I know him.



The defense attorney nearly died.



The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
Click to expand...

Well just bless her heart.
 
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