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mannye
11-23-2014, 11:46 PM
I guess the only rule should be no racist jokes.

Here's mine:

A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum
walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum replied, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

padumdum!

CalOfTyr
11-24-2014, 01:30 AM
Ok....

Three guys die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter, said "Sense it is close to Christmas, you need to go to this box of junk and pick something out and tell me how it represents the holiday"
The first man walks over and grabs a bic lighter. St. Peter asks "How does this represent Christmas?"
The guy replies, "It is the Christmas candle." He lights it. "Alright you may enter," said St. Peter
The second man walk up and grabs a set of keys. Again St. Peter asks "How does this represent Christmas?"
"It's Jingle Bells," he said shaking them. "Very well, you may enter," St. Peter replied.
The third man, walked up to the box puzzled, "Oh man what am I going to do... this is messed up..." Finally he grabbed a G-string.
St. Peter looked at him, "Now how does THIS represent Christmas?"
The guy replied, "It's Carols."

(and three whales fall from the sky, two land on the beach the other in the ocean.)

kudapucat
11-24-2014, 01:33 AM
What? No Irish jokes? Patty and Selma will feel so left out!

joemirando
11-24-2014, 08:39 AM
Ok, here goes nuthin'. ;)

My wife came home the other day, all excited.
"I just hit the lottery! Pack your bags!" She said.
"For where?", I asked.
"I don't care", she replied, "Just GET OUT!"

mannye
11-24-2014, 09:40 AM
Haha. In that same vein:

Kid gets home to find his father staring longingly at a lottery ticket and asks, "What happens if you win?"

Dad says, "Kid, if I win, PARIS, CHAMPAGNE AND WOMEN! "

"What if you don't win?"

The father wakes up from his daydreams..."If I don't win... Cleveland, beer and your mother,"


Sent from my galafreyan transdimensional communicator 100 years from now.
U g

joemirando
11-24-2014, 03:58 PM
Manny,

Hey, the last time my wife and I had an argument, she came to me on her hands and knees.
Yep, that's right. She said...
"Get out from under that bed and face me like a man, you coward!"
;)

PitBull
11-24-2014, 05:24 PM
Georgie

Once upon a time in the countryside of Italy, a father came puffing up a hill and harshly shouted “Alberto, Ricardo, Giuseppe… get-a you asses over here.” The children lined up in a straight line from the oldest, Alberto, to the youngest, Giuseppe. The father then sternly asked “Okay, which-a one of you push-a the sh*thouse off-a the cliff into the river?” His inquisition was met with silence. He then stared at Alberto and asked “Did you do it?” Alberto looked back innocently and said “No Papa, I no do.” He then looked directly at Ricardo and asked the same. Ricardo looked back just as innocently, crossed his heart, and stated “No Papa, I no do.” Then he glared at Giuseppe and said “Then it must have been you Giuseppe.” Giuseppe looked back with his best puppy-dog eyes and said “No Papa, I no do.”

The father counted to ten, calmly took a deep breath and thoughtfully said “Okay boys, sit-a down and I’m-a going to tell you a story. It’s a story about a little boy named-a Georgie who lived long ago, across the great ocean, in a land called America. Georgie had-a just-a gotten a new hatchet for his birthday and wanted to try it out. So Georgie went out into the family orchard and chop-a down a cherry tree. When Georgie’s father found the tree, he asked “Georgie, did-a you chop-a down the cherry tree?”. Georgie looked-a up at his daddy and-a said, “Papa, I can-a no tell a lie, I chop-a down the cherry tree.” And Georgie’s papa no get-a mad. He picked up Georgie and gave him a great-a big hug and a great-a big kiss and said “Georgie, I’m-a proud of you for no tell a lie.”

Well Giuseppe got to thinking, stood up and said “Papa, I can-a no tell a lie either, I push-a the sh*thouse off-a the cliff into the river.”

Well the father picked up Giuseppe and… slapped him across the face… threw him to the ground… and kicked him in the ribs. Giuseppe looked up stunned and shouted “BUT PAPA, WHAT ABOUT THE GEORGIE STORY?” The father just glared back and said “Son, Georgie’s-a papa was-a no in the cherry tree when Georgie chop-a down.”

ScottBehrens
11-26-2014, 06:35 AM
Newfoundland declares war on the U.S.A.


President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Obama " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere
at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?
I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news !
How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army
waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. " President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have at call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama!
I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners.."

Stasis
11-26-2014, 07:08 AM
I will adapt an old joke to make it related to mead:

A mazer once had a son who he was very proud of. For his 5th birthday he asked him what he would like as a present. He could have anything he wished for!
Father: What would you like for your birthday, son?
Son: I want corks!
Father: Huh? You mean like the ones I use to bottle my mead?
Son: Yes! I want corks!
Father: Ok, corks it is.
The father then hands the son 5 corks and wonders what on earth he can do with them...
...
For his 16th birthday the father wishes to give his son a "sweet sixteen" present:
Father: What would you like for your birthday, son?
Son: I want corks!
Father: Huh? Corks again?
Son: Yes! I want corks!
Father: Ok, corks it is then...
The father then hands the son 100 corks and wonders what on earth his son wants them for, even though he's supposedly more mature at 16 years of age...
...
For his 18th birthday the father wishes to give his son something grand to make up for all the corks he has been given. Decides he will buy him a car.
Father: Here son, I bought you a brand new car. Enjoy, I am really proud of you.
Son: No! I want corks!
Father: But, but.. I bought you a car
Son: But, but.. I want corks! (cheeky bastard)
Father: Uh, ok I'll return the car and buy you corks I guess...
The father then hands the son 1000 corks and and hopes to god this will be enough and the end of this cork business
...
The son gets married and the father hopes to buy a nice wedding present:
(let's get this over with already... short version)
Father: Present?
Son: I want corks!
Father: Here, corks!
The father buys a lot of corks. A LOT
...
The son is lying on his death bed after a valiant fight with cancer:
Father: Son, what can I do to fulfill your last living wish?
Son: I want corks!
Father: But you're going to be dead and cannot possibly use the corks now?
Son: I still want corks!
Father: Ok, but only under one condition. Son, tell me: What on earth have you been doing with all these corks all your life?
Son: Oh silly father. Isn't it obvious? Haven't you possibly guessed yet?
Father: No
Son: I want corks because...
Because...
.
.
.
Then the son died

kudapucat
11-26-2014, 10:00 PM
^--- this I dislike. Intensely.
I NEED to know damnit!!!

mannye
11-26-2014, 10:02 PM
Lol


Sent from my galafreyan transdimensional communicator 100 years from now.
U g

CalOfTyr
11-26-2014, 11:31 PM
That one is better on a long road trip. You start it around five miles before you get to where you are going. At the end "oop looks like we are here!"

joemirando
11-26-2014, 11:43 PM
Anyone have a young niece that they don't see that often and want to make an impression on?

When my niece was five or so, she used to be big on fairy tales. She'd go around to everyone at a family get-together and basically demand a fairy tale. Some would acquiesce with the story of Hansel and Gretel. Some would tell the story of Little Red Riding Hood. Still others would tell of The Princess And The Pea. She seemed to particularly like the ones that involved a princess.

So one time when she got around to me and said "Uncle Joe, tell me a fairy tale", I said okay. Here's the fairy tale I told her...

"Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess who cried and cried and cried.
The End"

Hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time. ;)

kuri
11-28-2014, 10:44 AM
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician go hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses by 5 feet to the left.
The chemist shoots at the deer and misses by 5 feet the the right.
The statistician shouts "We got him!"

joemirando
11-28-2014, 11:13 AM
Okay, in the same vein....

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. But it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to WANT to change.

kudapucat
11-29-2014, 06:22 AM
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are at an international conference.
They all have adjoining rooms in the same hotel.
The first night, a fire breaks out in the common corner they all share.
The engineer wakes to the smell of smoke, sees a bucket, fills it, and chucks it on the fire.
He does this 4 times.
Once the fire is out, he puts 3 more buckets on the dead embers, flooding the room and destroying the carpet as well.
The physicist wakes, sees the bucket, estimates it's capacity, judges the height if the flames, grabs a pencil and paper, after a quick calculation dumps 3.63 buckets of water on the fire.
The fire goes out, and there is next to 0 residual moisture on the dead embers.
The mathematician wakes, sees the flames, then the bucket in the bathroom, and the faucet, and - satisfied that a solution exists - goes back to sleep!

kuri
11-29-2014, 09:57 AM
A physicist and a mathematician are given the task of boiling water. They have a pot on a stove and a faucet. Each one takes the pot, adds water, places it back on the stove and turns on the gas until it boils.

Next, they are given a pot filled with water sitting on the stove and told to boil water. The physicist turns on the gas and boils the water in the pot. The mathematician empties the water from the pot and puts the pot back on the stove, thereby reducing the second problem to the first.

OrganicSu
11-29-2014, 12:16 PM
About time there was an Irish joke...

Paddy heads to New York for the summer. After a long day on the building site he enters a pub, asks for 6 pints of Guinness, drinks em quickly and leaves.
The next day he drops by the same pub and does the same.
On the 3rd day the bartender asks what's going on. Paddy says “sher, when I headed away, my 5 brothers and I swore that we would all drink to each other's health”.
The routine is set until about a month later Paddy only orders 5 pints.
The next day he also orders 5 pints.
The next day the same. The bartender, liking Paddy, starts to hum and haw some sort of condolence. Paddy doesn't understand his jibberish, so the bartender is more straightforward. Paddy bursts out laughing, and answers “Not at all. They're all as healthy as horses. It's just that I'm off the drink for a while to see how it goes, ya know”...

joemirando
11-29-2014, 12:55 PM
A couple of quickies...

Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less drunk.

and

A pessimist sees the glass as half empty.
An optimist sees the glass as half full.
An engineer sees a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

kudapucat
11-30-2014, 08:56 AM
To an physicist, the glass is always full. The only debate is the atomic makeup of contents.

kuri
11-30-2014, 09:39 AM
A Minnesota farmer was down in Texas visiting a rancher there who was a Texan through and through. While showing off parts of his ranch, the Texan told the Minnesotan:
"I won't show you the whole ranch, but let me just say this. We could get in this here pickup truck and drive east for 2 hours before we reached the end of the ranch. Then we could drive south for another 2 hours, west for 3 hours, and north for another 4 hours before heading back here, and all without ever leaving the ranch."
To this the Minnesotan replied, "Yeah, I had a pickup truck like that once too."

Xixist
01-08-2015, 08:26 PM
Well...
A cowboy lies with his ear to to the pavement of a dusty road as another approaches the scene. the first man speaks to the second,
"Two men in a heavy-laden wagon, four horses and a donkey!"
The second cowboy responds, "That's amazing. You can tell all that by listening to the ground?"
"No," says the first. "They ran over me five minutes ago!"

Chevette Girl
01-09-2015, 07:40 PM
The old coot sitting outside the saloon watches a cowboy gallop in, hop off, tie his horse to the hitch, raise its tail, and give it a great big kiss under there.

Surprised and disgusted, the old coot asks what in tarnation the cowboy thinks he's doing.

"Well, sir, you see, I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And does that cure it?"
"No, but it sure keeps me from licking 'em!"

joemirando
01-09-2015, 08:08 PM
A guy goes golfing with his father. They get to the 12th hole, a long, sweeping green with a tall tree right in the middle of the fairway. The son pulls out a club and says to himself, "now just a long shot that'll hit on the far side and roll back around that tree".

His father smiles and says, "Ya know, son, when I was your age, I'd just whallop the ball right the hell over the tree."

The son smiles, plants his feet, swings and whacks the ball with all his might. Despite the power shot, the ball smacks the tree about two thirds of the way up and falls to the ground. The son is crestfallen. His father pats him on the back and says, "A' course, when I was YOUR age, that tree was only about five feet tall".

joemirando
01-13-2015, 02:01 PM
A couple of physics jokes for geeks like me:

A Higgs Boson walks into a church and sees a crowd of elementary particles having a church service.
"What's the matter with you", says the Higgs Boson, "don't you know you can't have mass without me?"


A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender serves him and the neutron asks, "how much is the beer"?
The bartender replies, "For you? No charge!"


Okay, go ahead. Groan away. ;)


Joe

EJM3
01-14-2015, 04:48 PM
Two pieces of string walk into a bar.
The bartender yells at them NO STRINGS ALLOWED and kicks them out.
So one string says to the other "I know how to get in!"
He proceeds to roll himself up and rub all over the sidewalk.
His friend the other string thinks he's gone crazy!
After a few minutes of this he announces he's ready.
"I'm ready!" and saunters into the bar again.
The bartender bellows at him GET OUT NO STRINGS!!
The ratty looking string says:
"Sorry, but I'm a frayed knot"

<Duck, Cover, and RUUUUUUUNN!!>

kudapucat
01-14-2015, 05:40 PM
A hydrogen atom loses his electron.
He goes to the cop shop to fill out s report.
The copper asks him: are you sure it's lost? Sometimes they just get a bit excited and fly off for a bit. Usually they come home within 24 hours.
The hydrogen atom just looked at him and said:

I'm positive.

mannye
01-14-2015, 06:34 PM
A hydrogen atom loses his electron.
He goes to the cop shop to fill out s report.
The copper asks him: are you sure it's lost? Sometimes they just get a bit excited and fly off for a bit. Usually they come home within 24 hours.
The hydrogen atom just looked at him and said:

I'm positive.

Pa dum pum.


Sent from my galafreyan transdimensional communicator 100 years from now.
U g

kuri
01-15-2015, 05:29 AM
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One peanut was assaulted. Peanut.

ScottBehrens
02-18-2016, 10:42 AM
So this grizzly bear walks into a bar, sit down, looks at the bartender, says, "I'll have a whiskey......
and coke
Bartender says, "Why the long paws"?

Sorry in advance

GntlKnigt1
02-19-2016, 05:05 PM
I'm lost. I've gone to look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait

Clwurster
02-19-2016, 07:19 PM
So a middle aged man has had ED issues & has gone thru all treatments & drugs to no avail. His wife contacts a medicine man on the reservation who has a cure. Sends her husband to see him. Medicine man says yes...yes...& pulls down a bowl full of powder. Powerful medicine he says & scoops a couple tablespoon's into a bag & hands it to him. Now...listen carefully to my instructions. You put 1 teaspoonful into a cup of water-say one, two, three & drink. You will instantly be ready to perform. Great says the man & heads for the door-then stops & turns back & asks the medicine man how do I make it stop? Ahhh yes-good question- say one, two, three, four & you will not be able to use this again until the next full moon. He returns home & invites his wife into the bedroom-mixes the brew-strips-says one, two, three & drinks. Whooo-hooo, his wife says excitedly & begins to strip also. While doing so, she asks him what was the one, two, three, for?

And the moral of the story is: Don't end your questions with a preposition because it will leave a dangling participle..

Chris_from_Miss
02-21-2016, 02:04 AM
Some old men are drinking their morning coffee in an old time drug store. During the conversation, the subject of sexual performance is mentioned. One old man turns to the pharmacist and says, "Since we're on the subject, does that Viagra really work as well as they say"?
"It sure does", says the pharmacist.
"Well, is it expensive"?
"Yeah, it's expensive but worth it".
Finally the old man asked, "can you get it over the counter"?
The pharmacist replied, "I probably could if I took three or four".

Mazer828
02-22-2016, 01:36 AM
A young Hispanic kid comes home excited one day, telling his dad, "Dad dad! I'm so excited I have great news! I met this girl! Her name is Rosa! And we're going to get married and raise a family!" Well his dad couldn't be more happy but he says, "Son I just have one question. This Rosa, is she the one who just lives over a couple of streets there?" The son nods, "yeah dad, why?" "Well, when I was your age son, I did a lot of running around. I'm afraid Rosa is your half sister." So the kid is devastated. But time heals all wounds and soon enough he comes home again. "Dad dad! I'm so excited! I have great news! I met a girl, and her name is Maria! We're going to start a family together!" His father is ecstatic. "Son! That is just outstanding! I'm so happy for you! But this Maria is she the daughter of the lady that runs the corner store over there?" "Yeah dad, why?" "Well like I told you, I did some running around, and I'm afraid Maria is your half sister too."

So the kid is destroyed, and wanders into the kitchen to clean himself up. His mom is there preparing dinner, and asks what's got him so sad. When he explains all that has happened to him, she wraps him up in a warm hug and says "There there. You don't pay no attention to him. He's not your real father."

Mazer828
02-25-2016, 03:40 PM
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.



In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called ...his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.* He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'



She responded, Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.* I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.* You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.* Yes, I know you.



The lawyer was stunned.* Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?



She again replied, Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.* He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.* He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.* Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.* One of them was your wife.* Yes, I know him.



The defense attorney nearly died.



The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

mannye
02-25-2016, 09:17 PM
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.



In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called ...his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.* He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'



She responded, Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.* I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.* You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.* Yes, I know you.



The lawyer was stunned.* Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?



She again replied, Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.* He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.* He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.* Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.* One of them was your wife.* Yes, I know him.



The defense attorney nearly died.



The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

Well just bless her heart.

fuelish
02-28-2016, 01:37 AM
Forgive me this one, but.....my Mrs and I have been binge watching Dexter seasons on Netflix lately, so ....

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb????
Apparently more than 5, because my basement is still dark!!!

fuelish
02-28-2016, 01:38 AM
A toothless termite walks into a bar, and asks "Is the bar tender here???"

mrngbear
03-02-2016, 04:56 PM
Drinking can cause memory loss...or even worse, memory loss.

GntlKnigt1
03-03-2016, 06:37 AM
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Mazer828
03-03-2016, 09:22 AM
A dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm lookin fer the man that shot my paw!"

mrngbear
03-06-2016, 05:31 PM
If you are over 45 yrs. old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test.

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S

Scroll Down for answers





















Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

If you got all 6 wrong.... You do NOT have Alzheimer's.

But you are a Pervert.

cosmiccatastrophe
03-06-2016, 05:40 PM
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered..
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant....The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"Oh my!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "But...Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

Mazer828
03-07-2016, 12:39 AM
Officer: "How high are you?"

Suspect: "No, officer. It's, 'Hi, how are you?'"

VikingBear
04-05-2016, 10:42 AM
A man enters a bar and says to the bartender "Hey, jackass! Get me a beer!" After finishing the beer the man says again to the bartender "Hey, jackass! Get me a beer!" One of the other patrons calls the bartender over and asks him "Why do you let him talk to you like that?" The bartender replies "Hee haw, hee haw, he always calls me that."

ZING!

joemirando
04-06-2016, 07:29 PM
If I remember the story correctly, this was a joke that Al Pachino kept telling over and over...

So this skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer... and a mop.

Mondor
04-06-2016, 08:31 PM
A Rabbi, a Bishop, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke"?

loveofrose
04-06-2016, 09:03 PM
My grandpa walks into a mall with me and my family. He doesn't care about shopping, so he sits on the benches in the middle and "people watches". By "people watching", I mean he checks out the young gals... Anyway, a young guy with a multicolored Mohawk sits down beside him. At first, no big deal. Then, I notice my gramps is checking this guy out. Sure. He's an obnoxious chick magnet, but whatever. Check out the chicks and move on grandpa...

That is NOT what happen. Instead, gramps keeps messing with this guy about his appearance. Get a haircut, etc. Finally, the young guy says "What the hell? Haven't you ever done something wild and crazy?".

My gramps says "Yeah. I once fucked a peacock and thought you might be my son. Why do you think I'm so hard on you?"


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