View Full Version : You may, or may not uderstand

04-07-2015, 08:48 PM

It's me.

As you know I'm having a very, very hard time right now. I've been stuck in this place for what seems like months. I could never feel more alone. I'm not sure how much more one can feel abandoned. I'm lost and full of dismay. I'm so sick of my life, I really don't feel like going on struggling any more. The only thing that keeps me here is my kids and grand kids. My mom and brother. It's not even that I long for them. I just can't put that kind of hurt on them. How selfish of me to place that over them. I doubt anyone else would even care if I was gone. Would anyone even notice? Save for a fleeing thought. A smidgen of time as I fly through their mind on a busy day..

I am so torn.

I sit here in tears for the umpteenth time today. Crying, and I just can't make it stop. I try and try, and I can't get free from this place.

With Easter so close I can't breath without thinking of all you went through. I wonder how the world looks through your eyes as you look out upon the crowd. Never such a more caring man. Never so pure. Never so obedient to The Father. I can't imagine how your head must swirl as you gaze out at the angry mob. So totally succumb with hate. People demanding you be crucified. Not even knowing you. They cry out with hate and disdain towards you for no good reason. I wonder how you felt. Beaten to within one lashing of your life. How did you try to process it all? How totally betrayed you must have felt.

Yes. There were followers too that day. Hiding on the fringes. Cover with their hoody. Dying inside with feeling of hopelessness. With the fear of being associated with you. Fearful of their life and so totally confused. All of the hopes they had pinned on you. All the plans they had with you in their future. Lost. Angry with God. Confused. How can this be?

What is my part in all this. I so want to help and yet I am so afraid! Who are you Jesus? A con man? A charlatan? How could I have been so gullible. So blinded with my hopes and aspirations that I was taken like a fool. Now what the hell am I supposed to do? I can't trust or believe in any one. In anything!

Lord. How can you be so full of love that you willfully submitted yourself to all this crap. What was going through your mind as you cry out to our Lord and King. "My God, my God. Why hast though forsaken me? " You bore that and you endured being forsaken by God so I wouldn't have to.

You walked down the streets of Via De Rosa, full of hopelessness. Full of defeat. Full of fear and feelings of betrayal. Did you question your reason to exist that day? Did you loose sight of your purpose? Did you find yourself questioning the very existence of The Father? Did you question why The Holy Spirit didn't come help you in all of this? After all he is "the Paraclete, The "helper" Did you look to find Him in your suffering and collapse inside when you could not find him?

How did you deal with that sick, smothering, overwhelming grief and sadness? So thick and ever present. To heavy to bear!

You were pure. And without sin.You never even one time sinned. Even every thought you had was sinless. Surely if God the Father cared he wouldn't let you suffer so! Would he? Did he? Why should you be mistreated so!
Where is justice? Where is truth!

How so unfair. How so unkind. You gave your all and never one time hurt anyone. Offended. Yes. Without question!! But it was only because your purity rubbed against mankind's pride and arrogance. Your light made them aware of there own decrepit state of being. Your truth exposed their hypocrisy.

And I am they.

Which camp would have I been part of on that fateful day? Could I have been one of the haters? One of those who cried "crucify him". Would I have found relief knowing you would be gone by days end. Never to expose my secrete parts again.

Or would I have died on that day along with you?

I know this for sure. I can feel all of those things you did. But I am certain without a doubt it could never compare to one hundredth of one percent of what you felt that day.

I know it was your plan. It was The Great Yahweh's plan. For you to bear all those things so I wouldn't have to. You paid my price. You took from me what I rightly deserve. You did that even when I was your enemy. Before I knew you. Before I even gave a shit. When I didn't give a rats ass about you, you chose to do all this for me.

I can barely even begin to get my head around it. It's so much bigger than my peon brain can fathom. Oh ya. The tension. That same tension I always get when I try to get a grasp of you. I believe. Yes, I believe these things are true. But in no way can I ever truly understand. You see. You are a infinite, perfect and Holy God. And I am but a mere mortal. A finite being. Never can the math add. Never can I really know and understand you.

Ya sure. You have sealed me with a promise. You have placed you very self, your spirit in me. So that I may know and understand "the mind of Christ". And yes. By your grace you have made it possible for me to believe. To believe in you. That you are who you say you are. That you care. You care for me. And you suffered and died for me, so I wouldn't have to. You conquered death and gave me a new name. You wrote my name in the book of life. And you gave me your life. You gave me life in you!

Such a mystery. And yet by your mercy,y and unfailing love you made that mystery know to me. You touched my deepest part of my being and caused me to say yes. To answer your calling with a resounding yes! An apologetically yes to you. Yes to your fabulous plan for me. Yes to your great, unfathomable love. Yes to your plan. Yes to your word. Yes to The living Word. Yes to trusting you each day for all things that pertain to life and godliness.

I can only, look to you and humbly acknowledge who I once was. And to gratefully, and thankfully praise you for all that you are. For all that you have freely given me. And for life eternal.

Not by strength. Not by power. By by my spirit says The Lord!

Praise be to Jesus. Who was, and is, and is to come. The First and last. The Great I am. King of Kings. Lord of Lords.

Blessed be your name.

Medsen Fey
04-07-2015, 11:48 PM
A beautiful prayer.
May God bless you and keep you safe.