Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 20 of 48

Thread: Lets hear the jokes!

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Location
    Miami Beach, FL
    Posts
    4,088

    Default Lets hear the jokes!

    I guess the only rule should be no racist jokes.

    Here's mine:

    A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum
    walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
    The bum replied, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No."
    Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

    padumdum!

  2. Default

    Ok....

    Three guys die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter, said "Sense it is close to Christmas, you need to go to this box of junk and pick something out and tell me how it represents the holiday"
    The first man walks over and grabs a bic lighter. St. Peter asks "How does this represent Christmas?"
    The guy replies, "It is the Christmas candle." He lights it. "Alright you may enter," said St. Peter
    The second man walk up and grabs a set of keys. Again St. Peter asks "How does this represent Christmas?"
    "It's Jingle Bells," he said shaking them. "Very well, you may enter," St. Peter replied.
    The third man, walked up to the box puzzled, "Oh man what am I going to do... this is messed up..." Finally he grabbed a G-string.
    St. Peter looked at him, "Now how does THIS represent Christmas?"
    The guy replied, "It's Carols."

    (and three whales fall from the sky, two land on the beach the other in the ocean.)
    Mead count- fermenting- Zero, Racked- Zero, Bottled- Zero, Consumed- 3, Bottles Exploded- 1

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Bundoora, Melbourne, Australia
    Posts
    2,383

    Default

    What? No Irish jokes? Patty and Selma will feel so left out!
    Mae'r teithiau golau ceffyl eto

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Northeast Southweston, CT, USA
    Posts
    947

    Default

    Ok, here goes nuthin'.

    My wife came home the other day, all excited.
    "I just hit the lottery! Pack your bags!" She said.
    "For where?", I asked.
    "I don't care", she replied, "Just GET OUT!"
    Intelligence Is Knowing That A Tomato Is A Fruit
    Wisdom Is Knowing Not To Put It In A Fruit Salad

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Location
    Miami Beach, FL
    Posts
    4,088

    Default

    Haha. In that same vein:

    Kid gets home to find his father staring longingly at a lottery ticket and asks, "What happens if you win?"

    Dad says, "Kid, if I win, PARIS, CHAMPAGNE AND WOMEN! "

    "What if you don't win?"

    The father wakes up from his daydreams..."If I don't win... Cleveland, beer and your mother,"


    Sent from my galafreyan transdimensional communicator 100 years from now.
    U g

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Northeast Southweston, CT, USA
    Posts
    947

    Default

    Manny,

    Hey, the last time my wife and I had an argument, she came to me on her hands and knees.
    Yep, that's right. She said...
    "Get out from under that bed and face me like a man, you coward!"
    Intelligence Is Knowing That A Tomato Is A Fruit
    Wisdom Is Knowing Not To Put It In A Fruit Salad

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Pittsburgh, PA
    Posts
    630

    Default This is a loooong one!

    Georgie

    Once upon a time in the countryside of Italy, a father came puffing up a hill and harshly shouted “Alberto, Ricardo, Giuseppe… get-a you asses over here.” The children lined up in a straight line from the oldest, Alberto, to the youngest, Giuseppe. The father then sternly asked “Okay, which-a one of you push-a the sh*thouse off-a the cliff into the river?” His inquisition was met with silence. He then stared at Alberto and asked “Did you do it?” Alberto looked back innocently and said “No Papa, I no do.” He then looked directly at Ricardo and asked the same. Ricardo looked back just as innocently, crossed his heart, and stated “No Papa, I no do.” Then he glared at Giuseppe and said “Then it must have been you Giuseppe.” Giuseppe looked back with his best puppy-dog eyes and said “No Papa, I no do.”

    The father counted to ten, calmly took a deep breath and thoughtfully said “Okay boys, sit-a down and I’m-a going to tell you a story. It’s a story about a little boy named-a Georgie who lived long ago, across the great ocean, in a land called America. Georgie had-a just-a gotten a new hatchet for his birthday and wanted to try it out. So Georgie went out into the family orchard and chop-a down a cherry tree. When Georgie’s father found the tree, he asked “Georgie, did-a you chop-a down the cherry tree?”. Georgie looked-a up at his daddy and-a said, “Papa, I can-a no tell a lie, I chop-a down the cherry tree.” And Georgie’s papa no get-a mad. He picked up Georgie and gave him a great-a big hug and a great-a big kiss and said “Georgie, I’m-a proud of you for no tell a lie.”

    Well Giuseppe got to thinking, stood up and said “Papa, I can-a no tell a lie either, I push-a the sh*thouse off-a the cliff into the river.”

    Well the father picked up Giuseppe and… slapped him across the face… threw him to the ground… and kicked him in the ribs. Giuseppe looked up stunned and shouted “BUT PAPA, WHAT ABOUT THE GEORGIE STORY?” The father just glared back and said “Son, Georgie’s-a papa was-a no in the cherry tree when Georgie chop-a down.”
    Age improves with mead, even more than mead improves with age.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Location
    Vero Beach, FL
    Posts
    395

    Default

    Newfoundland declares war on the U.S.A.


    President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

    "Hallo, President Obama " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere
    at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?
    I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

    "Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news !
    How big is your army?"

    "Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

    Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army
    waiting to move on my command."

    "Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"

    Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

    "And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

    "Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

    President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

    "Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

    Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. " President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

    Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

    "Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have at call youse back."

    Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama!
    I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

    "I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change of heart?"

    Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners.."

  9. #9

    Default

    I will adapt an old joke to make it related to mead:

    A mazer once had a son who he was very proud of. For his 5th birthday he asked him what he would like as a present. He could have anything he wished for!
    Father: What would you like for your birthday, son?
    Son: I want corks!
    Father: Huh? You mean like the ones I use to bottle my mead?
    Son: Yes! I want corks!
    Father: Ok, corks it is.
    The father then hands the son 5 corks and wonders what on earth he can do with them...
    ...
    For his 16th birthday the father wishes to give his son a "sweet sixteen" present:
    Father: What would you like for your birthday, son?
    Son: I want corks!
    Father: Huh? Corks again?
    Son: Yes! I want corks!
    Father: Ok, corks it is then...
    The father then hands the son 100 corks and wonders what on earth his son wants them for, even though he's supposedly more mature at 16 years of age...
    ...
    For his 18th birthday the father wishes to give his son something grand to make up for all the corks he has been given. Decides he will buy him a car.
    Father: Here son, I bought you a brand new car. Enjoy, I am really proud of you.
    Son: No! I want corks!
    Father: But, but.. I bought you a car
    Son: But, but.. I want corks! (cheeky bastard)
    Father: Uh, ok I'll return the car and buy you corks I guess...
    The father then hands the son 1000 corks and and hopes to god this will be enough and the end of this cork business
    ...
    The son gets married and the father hopes to buy a nice wedding present:
    (let's get this over with already... short version)
    Father: Present?
    Son: I want corks!
    Father: Here, corks!
    The father buys a lot of corks. A LOT
    ...
    The son is lying on his death bed after a valiant fight with cancer:
    Father: Son, what can I do to fulfill your last living wish?
    Son: I want corks!
    Father: But you're going to be dead and cannot possibly use the corks now?
    Son: I still want corks!
    Father: Ok, but only under one condition. Son, tell me: What on earth have you been doing with all these corks all your life?
    Son: Oh silly father. Isn't it obvious? Haven't you possibly guessed yet?
    Father: No
    Son: I want corks because...
    Because...
    .
    .
    .
    Then the son died
    "Shouldn’t we say wine is a mead-like beverage made with grapes substituted for the honey?" - Steve Piatz

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Bundoora, Melbourne, Australia
    Posts
    2,383

    Default

    ^--- this I dislike. Intensely.
    I NEED to know damnit!!!
    Mae'r teithiau golau ceffyl eto

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Location
    Miami Beach, FL
    Posts
    4,088

    Default

    Lol


    Sent from my galafreyan transdimensional communicator 100 years from now.
    U g

  12. Default

    That one is better on a long road trip. You start it around five miles before you get to where you are going. At the end "oop looks like we are here!"
    Mead count- fermenting- Zero, Racked- Zero, Bottled- Zero, Consumed- 3, Bottles Exploded- 1

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Northeast Southweston, CT, USA
    Posts
    947

    Default

    Anyone have a young niece that they don't see that often and want to make an impression on?

    When my niece was five or so, she used to be big on fairy tales. She'd go around to everyone at a family get-together and basically demand a fairy tale. Some would acquiesce with the story of Hansel and Gretel. Some would tell the story of Little Red Riding Hood. Still others would tell of The Princess And The Pea. She seemed to particularly like the ones that involved a princess.

    So one time when she got around to me and said "Uncle Joe, tell me a fairy tale", I said okay. Here's the fairy tale I told her...

    "Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess who cried and cried and cried.
    The End
    "

    Hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
    Intelligence Is Knowing That A Tomato Is A Fruit
    Wisdom Is Knowing Not To Put It In A Fruit Salad

  14. #14

    Default

    A biologist, a chemist and a statistician go hunting.
    The biologist shoots at a deer and misses by 5 feet to the left.
    The chemist shoots at the deer and misses by 5 feet the the right.
    The statistician shouts "We got him!"

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Northeast Southweston, CT, USA
    Posts
    947

    Default

    Okay, in the same vein....

    Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Only one. But it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to WANT to change.
    Intelligence Is Knowing That A Tomato Is A Fruit
    Wisdom Is Knowing Not To Put It In A Fruit Salad

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Bundoora, Melbourne, Australia
    Posts
    2,383

    Default

    An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are at an international conference.
    They all have adjoining rooms in the same hotel.
    The first night, a fire breaks out in the common corner they all share.
    The engineer wakes to the smell of smoke, sees a bucket, fills it, and chucks it on the fire.
    He does this 4 times.
    Once the fire is out, he puts 3 more buckets on the dead embers, flooding the room and destroying the carpet as well.
    The physicist wakes, sees the bucket, estimates it's capacity, judges the height if the flames, grabs a pencil and paper, after a quick calculation dumps 3.63 buckets of water on the fire.
    The fire goes out, and there is next to 0 residual moisture on the dead embers.
    The mathematician wakes, sees the flames, then the bucket in the bathroom, and the faucet, and - satisfied that a solution exists - goes back to sleep!
    Mae'r teithiau golau ceffyl eto

  17. #17

    Default

    A physicist and a mathematician are given the task of boiling water. They have a pot on a stove and a faucet. Each one takes the pot, adds water, places it back on the stove and turns on the gas until it boils.

    Next, they are given a pot filled with water sitting on the stove and told to boil water. The physicist turns on the gas and boils the water in the pot. The mathematician empties the water from the pot and puts the pot back on the stove, thereby reducing the second problem to the first.

  18. #18

    Default

    About time there was an Irish joke...

    Paddy heads to New York for the summer. After a long day on the building site he enters a pub, asks for 6 pints of Guinness, drinks em quickly and leaves.
    The next day he drops by the same pub and does the same.
    On the 3rd day the bartender asks what's going on. Paddy says “sher, when I headed away, my 5 brothers and I swore that we would all drink to each other's health”.
    The routine is set until about a month later Paddy only orders 5 pints.
    The next day he also orders 5 pints.
    The next day the same. The bartender, liking Paddy, starts to hum and haw some sort of condolence. Paddy doesn't understand his jibberish, so the bartender is more straightforward. Paddy bursts out laughing, and answers “Not at all. They're all as healthy as horses. It's just that I'm off the drink for a while to see how it goes, ya know”...
    The quality will be remembered long after the price is forgotten.
    Making drinkable meads since 2014.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Northeast Southweston, CT, USA
    Posts
    947

    Default

    A couple of quickies...

    Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
    A: One less drunk.

    and

    A pessimist sees the glass as half empty.
    An optimist sees the glass as half full.
    An engineer sees a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
    Intelligence Is Knowing That A Tomato Is A Fruit
    Wisdom Is Knowing Not To Put It In A Fruit Salad

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Bundoora, Melbourne, Australia
    Posts
    2,383

    Default

    To an physicist, the glass is always full. The only debate is the atomic makeup of contents.
    Mae'r teithiau golau ceffyl eto

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Lets Quiz!
    By mrperq in forum The Hive
    Replies: 22
    Last Post: 04-11-2016, 11:12 PM
  2. Anyone ever hear of MIO?
    By ZwolfUpir in forum The Hive
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 08-12-2011, 04:02 PM
  3. Pollish Jokes for Dmntd
    By WRATHWILDE in forum The Hive
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 12-09-2005, 09:49 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •