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Lets hear the jokes!

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mannye

Administrator
Administrator
Moderator
Oct 10, 2012
4,167
25
38
57
Miami Beach, FL
I guess the only rule should be no racist jokes.

Here's mine:

A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum
walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum replied, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

padumdum!
 

CalOfTyr

NewBee
Registered Member
Nov 22, 2014
12
0
0
Ok....

Three guys die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter, said "Sense it is close to Christmas, you need to go to this box of junk and pick something out and tell me how it represents the holiday"
The first man walks over and grabs a bic lighter. St. Peter asks "How does this represent Christmas?"
The guy replies, "It is the Christmas candle." He lights it. "Alright you may enter," said St. Peter
The second man walk up and grabs a set of keys. Again St. Peter asks "How does this represent Christmas?"
"It's Jingle Bells," he said shaking them. "Very well, you may enter," St. Peter replied.
The third man, walked up to the box puzzled, "Oh man what am I going to do... this is messed up..." Finally he grabbed a G-string.
St. Peter looked at him, "Now how does THIS represent Christmas?"
The guy replied, "It's Carols."

(and three whales fall from the sky, two land on the beach the other in the ocean.)
 

mannye

Administrator
Administrator
Moderator
Oct 10, 2012
4,167
25
38
57
Miami Beach, FL
Haha. In that same vein:

Kid gets home to find his father staring longingly at a lottery ticket and asks, "What happens if you win?"

Dad says, "Kid, if I win, PARIS, CHAMPAGNE AND WOMEN! "

"What if you don't win?"

The father wakes up from his daydreams..."If I don't win... Cleveland, beer and your mother,"


Sent from my galafreyan transdimensional communicator 100 years from now.
U g
 

PitBull

NewBee
Registered Member
Nov 25, 2009
640
4
0
Pittsburgh, PA
This is a loooong one!

Georgie

Once upon a time in the countryside of Italy, a father came puffing up a hill and harshly shouted “Alberto, Ricardo, Giuseppe… get-a you asses over here.” The children lined up in a straight line from the oldest, Alberto, to the youngest, Giuseppe. The father then sternly asked “Okay, which-a one of you push-a the sh*thouse off-a the cliff into the river?” His inquisition was met with silence. He then stared at Alberto and asked “Did you do it?” Alberto looked back innocently and said “No Papa, I no do.” He then looked directly at Ricardo and asked the same. Ricardo looked back just as innocently, crossed his heart, and stated “No Papa, I no do.” Then he glared at Giuseppe and said “Then it must have been you Giuseppe.” Giuseppe looked back with his best puppy-dog eyes and said “No Papa, I no do.”

The father counted to ten, calmly took a deep breath and thoughtfully said “Okay boys, sit-a down and I’m-a going to tell you a story. It’s a story about a little boy named-a Georgie who lived long ago, across the great ocean, in a land called America. Georgie had-a just-a gotten a new hatchet for his birthday and wanted to try it out. So Georgie went out into the family orchard and chop-a down a cherry tree. When Georgie’s father found the tree, he asked “Georgie, did-a you chop-a down the cherry tree?”. Georgie looked-a up at his daddy and-a said, “Papa, I can-a no tell a lie, I chop-a down the cherry tree.” And Georgie’s papa no get-a mad. He picked up Georgie and gave him a great-a big hug and a great-a big kiss and said “Georgie, I’m-a proud of you for no tell a lie.”

Well Giuseppe got to thinking, stood up and said “Papa, I can-a no tell a lie either, I push-a the sh*thouse off-a the cliff into the river.”

Well the father picked up Giuseppe and… slapped him across the face… threw him to the ground… and kicked him in the ribs. Giuseppe looked up stunned and shouted “BUT PAPA, WHAT ABOUT THE GEORGIE STORY?” The father just glared back and said “Son, Georgie’s-a papa was-a no in the cherry tree when Georgie chop-a down.”
 

ScottBehrens

Premium Patron
Premium Patron
Aug 26, 2012
395
3
0
Vero Beach, FL
Newfoundland declares war on the U.S.A.


President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Obama " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere
at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?
I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news !
How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army
waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. " President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have at call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama!
I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners.."
 

Stasis

Honey Master
Registered Member
Jan 10, 2014
1,123
13
38
Malta
I will adapt an old joke to make it related to mead:

A mazer once had a son who he was very proud of. For his 5th birthday he asked him what he would like as a present. He could have anything he wished for!
Father: What would you like for your birthday, son?
Son: I want corks!
Father: Huh? You mean like the ones I use to bottle my mead?
Son: Yes! I want corks!
Father: Ok, corks it is.
The father then hands the son 5 corks and wonders what on earth he can do with them...
...
For his 16th birthday the father wishes to give his son a "sweet sixteen" present:
Father: What would you like for your birthday, son?
Son: I want corks!
Father: Huh? Corks again?
Son: Yes! I want corks!
Father: Ok, corks it is then...
The father then hands the son 100 corks and wonders what on earth his son wants them for, even though he's supposedly more mature at 16 years of age...
...
For his 18th birthday the father wishes to give his son something grand to make up for all the corks he has been given. Decides he will buy him a car.
Father: Here son, I bought you a brand new car. Enjoy, I am really proud of you.
Son: No! I want corks!
Father: But, but.. I bought you a car
Son: But, but.. I want corks! (cheeky bastard)
Father: Uh, ok I'll return the car and buy you corks I guess...
The father then hands the son 1000 corks and and hopes to god this will be enough and the end of this cork business
...
The son gets married and the father hopes to buy a nice wedding present:
(let's get this over with already... short version)
Father: Present?
Son: I want corks!
Father: Here, corks!
The father buys a lot of corks. A LOT
...
The son is lying on his death bed after a valiant fight with cancer:
Father: Son, what can I do to fulfill your last living wish?
Son: I want corks!
Father: But you're going to be dead and cannot possibly use the corks now?
Son: I still want corks!
Father: Ok, but only under one condition. Son, tell me: What on earth have you been doing with all these corks all your life?
Son: Oh silly father. Isn't it obvious? Haven't you possibly guessed yet?
Father: No
Son: I want corks because...
Because...
.
.
.
Then the son died
 

CalOfTyr

NewBee
Registered Member
Nov 22, 2014
12
0
0
That one is better on a long road trip. You start it around five miles before you get to where you are going. At the end "oop looks like we are here!"
 

joemirando

Got Mead? Patron
GotMead Patron
Anyone have a young niece that they don't see that often and want to make an impression on?

When my niece was five or so, she used to be big on fairy tales. She'd go around to everyone at a family get-together and basically demand a fairy tale. Some would acquiesce with the story of Hansel and Gretel. Some would tell the story of Little Red Riding Hood. Still others would tell of The Princess And The Pea. She seemed to particularly like the ones that involved a princess.

So one time when she got around to me and said "Uncle Joe, tell me a fairy tale", I said okay. Here's the fairy tale I told her...

"Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess who cried and cried and cried.
The End
"

Hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time. ;)
 

kuri

NewBee
Registered Member
May 5, 2013
364
1
0
Japan
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician go hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses by 5 feet to the left.
The chemist shoots at the deer and misses by 5 feet the the right.
The statistician shouts "We got him!"
 

kudapucat

NewBee
Registered Member
Dec 2, 2010
2,383
10
0
Bundoora, Melbourne, Australia
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are at an international conference.
They all have adjoining rooms in the same hotel.
The first night, a fire breaks out in the common corner they all share.
The engineer wakes to the smell of smoke, sees a bucket, fills it, and chucks it on the fire.
He does this 4 times.
Once the fire is out, he puts 3 more buckets on the dead embers, flooding the room and destroying the carpet as well.
The physicist wakes, sees the bucket, estimates it's capacity, judges the height if the flames, grabs a pencil and paper, after a quick calculation dumps 3.63 buckets of water on the fire.
The fire goes out, and there is next to 0 residual moisture on the dead embers.
The mathematician wakes, sees the flames, then the bucket in the bathroom, and the faucet, and - satisfied that a solution exists - goes back to sleep!
 

kuri

NewBee
Registered Member
May 5, 2013
364
1
0
Japan
A physicist and a mathematician are given the task of boiling water. They have a pot on a stove and a faucet. Each one takes the pot, adds water, places it back on the stove and turns on the gas until it boils.

Next, they are given a pot filled with water sitting on the stove and told to boil water. The physicist turns on the gas and boils the water in the pot. The mathematician empties the water from the pot and puts the pot back on the stove, thereby reducing the second problem to the first.
 

OrganicSu

NewBee
Registered Member
Feb 22, 2009
26
0
0
Lesvos, Greece
About time there was an Irish joke...

Paddy heads to New York for the summer. After a long day on the building site he enters a pub, asks for 6 pints of Guinness, drinks em quickly and leaves.
The next day he drops by the same pub and does the same.
On the 3rd day the bartender asks what's going on. Paddy says “sher, when I headed away, my 5 brothers and I swore that we would all drink to each other's health”.
The routine is set until about a month later Paddy only orders 5 pints.
The next day he also orders 5 pints.
The next day the same. The bartender, liking Paddy, starts to hum and haw some sort of condolence. Paddy doesn't understand his jibberish, so the bartender is more straightforward. Paddy bursts out laughing, and answers “Not at all. They're all as healthy as horses. It's just that I'm off the drink for a while to see how it goes, ya know”...
 
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