Texas Chili Contest
>> "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
>> The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
>> be
>> standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors
>> Light
>> truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges
>> (Native
>> Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told
>> me
>> I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
>>
>>
>>
>> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>>
>>
>> CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>>
>> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>>
>> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
>> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
>> flames
>> out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>>
>>
>> CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>>
>> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>>
>> seriously.
>>
>>
>>
>> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
>> I'm
>> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
>> to
>> give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
>> saw
>> the look on my face.
>>
>>
>> CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>>
>> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>>
>> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
>> like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
>> me
>> more beer before I ignite.Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
>> is
>> in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the
>> beer.
>>
>>
>> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>>
>> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
>> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>>
>> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
>> to
>> taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was
>> standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to
>> look
>> HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>>
>>
>> CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
>> considerable kick. Very impressive.
>>
>> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
>> admit
>> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>>
>> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
>> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
>> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
>> had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
>> beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
>> off.
>> It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
>> Screw those rednecks.
>> CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>> spices and peppers.
>>
>> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
>> garlic.
>> Superb.
>>
>> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
>> sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
>> eat
>> through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
>> Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow
>> cone.
>>
>>
>> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>>
>> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>> chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
>> about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
>> uncontrollably.
>>
>> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
>> like
>> it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
>> unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.
>> At
>> least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
>> stop
>> breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
>> If
>> I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
>>
>> 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>>
>> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
>> bold
>> but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>>
>> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
>> nor
>> hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
>> passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
>> Not
>> sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted
>> to
>> really hot chili?
>>
>> Judge # 3 - No Report
>>