View Full Version : Telemarketer Torture

05-14-2005, 03:43 AM
OK folks,

For those of you who have been harassed, harangued, bedeviled, and otherwise bugged out of your mind by the constant barrage of telemarketers I offer the following countermeasures when you get a pigeon on the other end of the line. Fight back and take no prisoners.

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out how she could know you.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? Can you get out human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God! No... NO NOOOO" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinnertime, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speakerphone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

This is what I end up doing all night when I have insomnia.



Dan McFeeley
05-14-2005, 03:46 AM
I used to keep a message on our answering machine that gave you menu options -- "If you are a telemarketer soliciting items we *don't* want, press 4."

Amazing how many of them actually did it, then got frustrated muttering "Why isn't this working?" ;D

05-14-2005, 12:45 PM
Sometimes when I get a telemarketer I tell them to hold on a minute. I put the phone down and leave it. Very simple way to waste lots of their time and none of mine.

Some of Oskaar's sound like fun, though - I'm going to do some....

#12 is from Sienfeld, by the way.


05-14-2005, 03:30 PM
Love it! And will incorparate some of the suggestions in my existing tactics..... ;D

David Baldwin
05-14-2005, 03:48 PM
My wife recently gave a telemarketer an object lesson in why she wasn't interested in talking to them right then. She laid the phone down on the night stand beside a crib with a loudly squalling baby.

05-14-2005, 07:06 PM
These are great.....I will be using some of your suggestions Oskaar ..... ;D

05-15-2005, 12:16 AM
Here's one: interrupt them right at the beginning and ask if it will bother them if you talk while using the toilet. If they want to ring off so you can do your "business", insist that it's no big deal, it's not going to bother you to just listen, etc. Then grunt quietly every now and then as they try to go through their spiel. I swear they'll look for a new job the very next day! :D


05-15-2005, 02:19 AM
Aren't you people on the no call lists? I never get unsolicited calls. Just the occasional call looking for the person who had this # before me.
Guess I'm just lucky.

05-15-2005, 08:54 AM
Yep, I'm on the no call list. Not everyone follows the rules...

05-15-2005, 01:35 PM
That no call list, at least in California only seems to apply to a company for a one year period. It also seems to not apply to different divisions within said company. Newspapers, real estate offices, banks, telecom carriers, etc are all over us out here it seems like every night. I finally added a privacy manager service on my line here at home which screens calls that block their number. I now get only the calls I want, and on the rare occaison that I do get a telemarketer I regard it as time to entertain myself.

I have a bunch of wave files that I like to play into the phone now. It's funny to see how long it takes people to hang up.



05-18-2005, 06:08 PM
I'll drink to that! What a bummer, I'm on the no call list.....I enjoy wrong numbers late at night though, I had a "dirty call" form some girls that must have been bored, after they hung up, I *69 them. Their reactin was priceless
BTW, my almost week old Ancient Orange is bubbling at about 1 bubble every 6 - 7 sec. is that OK?